Blank Ambivalence
by Penguinator27
Summary: Heero Yuy wakes up in a hospital bed three days after the events of Endless Waltz and finds out Relena has been visiting him. He ponders this and other things. One shot.


-1_A/N: This is the first fanfic I've posted in years, and I'm very apprehensive about how it will be received. See, I haven't read many Gundam fanfics, nor have I read the Gundam Wing mangas. I am, however, a longtime fan of the series and have finally given in to the temptation of writing a fic. I would like to give you a bit of the story's background, since it came out of my head at an unplanned time, in an unplanned fashion. This was originally hand- written on twelve sheets of college rule paper in blue ink. It took one week to write, and was nearly all- consuming; I wrote between classes, before classes, and while I should've been paying attention to lectures or doing homework. It meant a lot to me to be able to put what was in my mind on the paper, and now I present it to you for judgment and possible enjoyment via cyberspace. Please review, just so I know someone read it!_

-- MissMoony27, March 19, 2006

Blank Ambivalence

The last thing he remembered was dizziness and a lurching in his stomach; a certain rubber quality to his legs; and a few lights before his eyes like fireworks just as he felt a vague free- fall breeze through his hair. And that was all.

The next thing he knew was white, soft, antiseptic. The room he was in was silent-- the silence that is not at all silent, but is filled with the subtle hum of machinery. In his case, there were heart monitors and machines that provided oxygen for his resting body. This is what Heero Yuy slowly became aware of as he came back to consciousness.

Heero Yuy was fully aware in only a matter of seconds, but had not yet moved, for he was quietly measuring up the damages to his body. He couldn't be in a hospital for no reason, after all.

Lying still, he felt only a soreness of muscles all over his body; at this, he knew he'd been lying in this place for at least a day or two. Had he awoken sooner, he'd be up and about-- and certainly not in this place anymore. Had he awoken sooner, he could've taken care of himself as he usually did when his body experienced any kind of trauma: a few hefty painkillers, (if they were available,) and just plain ignoring any unpleasant sensations. His body was used to healing this way. It was unaccustomed to ginger handling, abundant rest, and sufficient medication; Heero despised healing in this manner for all its tediousness. He would have no more of it.

Until this point, he had been lying still in the same position he found his body when he awoke. Just as he was about to sit up in his bed to disconnect himself from the various machines around him, he heard approaching footsteps and voices near the other side of his shut door. He closed his eyes quickly to feign sleep just before his door was opened.

"… was pulled from the wreckage of that blasted in house the other day," said a man, obviously explaining to a companion.

"What a mess," came the sound of an older woman. "He looks to be not a day out of his teens. How does such a young man end up in a place like that?"

"He's one of the few that were injured but alive."

"Any identification on him?" asked the older woman from somewhere near Heero's feet.

"No, doctor," replied the man, as Heero heard his pen scratching on a piece of paper on his left side where a few of his monitors were. "He was unconscious when he arrived three days ago, and hasn't stirred since."

"I suppose that's a good thing, what with these burns and cuts." Heero could hear the woman doctor drawing nearer to his side. "He wouldn't be such a quiet patient if he were awake with all of this."

Heero felt a cold rush of air against his chest as the doctor drew back his blanket; he had not realized his chest was bare beneath it. The doctor slowly lifted what must have been bandages from his skin. There were only two; one was in the dead center of his chest, just below his neck; the other was further down, on his stomach, but on his left side.

"The burns seem to be healing just fine," said the doctor after a few seconds of looking under the bandages. "Should be up in no time at all-- and hungry, too. He looks a bit underfed as it is. But if he's not awake by tomorrow morning, I want a MRI on him right away. Just one thing, nurse: the charge nurse said he has a visitor that came in just after he was admitted, and twice the next day. Did his visitor not know his name?"

The nurse's scratchy writing stopped. "She says she doesn't. I don't even think she would have been allowed in for her visits yesterday if it weren't for her-- position."

"Position?" asked the doctor.

"You mean no one's told you? Vice Foreign Minister Darlian is the one who's been visiting him. She came in with a few bodyguards and asked the charge nurse if there was a young man admitted the day before who was in the, 'Brussels Presidential Residence incident.' The nurse said if she knew his name she could go in, but she said she didn't . So the nurse told her that we don't know his name either, and that she couldn't see him because she obviously wasn't family. And the nurse expected that to be that, but the young woman said-- very nicely, too-- that she's the Vice Foreign Minister of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation and that she was with the young man when he was injured and just wanted to check up on his condition. And-- you know-- special allowances for special people."

"Why did she come back again that day and _again_ this morning?"

"We don't know, doctor. Her security comes in here and then leaves her alone in the room with him for about half an hour. We can all see her sitting in the chair, just looking at him; she leaves the door open."

"Well," the doctor said with a heavy sigh, "I suppose she just feels guilty that this young man's troubles were a result of her kidnapping. That must be it."

"I suppose…." The nurse's scratchy writing continued once again, and the sound moved in the direction of the door.

"Such a young woman carrying so much on her shoulders-- it's hard not to think highly of young Miss Relena," the doctor mused aloud to herself as her squeaky shoes followed the nurse's scratchy writing out the door.

So he had been here for two days, and this would be his third. Heero wondered why he had slept so long, and tried to think back to ascertain some possible causes.

He remembered returning to Earth in Zero, and finding the Brussels Presidential Residence. He remembered what he had done with the Zero's buster rifle, and he remembered the third and last shot he fired from Zero; he remembered deliberately changing the target, just a bit, so he'd be able to make it in.

And what was down there? He recalled wondering this as he tumbled out of the all but obliterated Zero. Was that why there were bandages on his torso? Perhaps. It didn't seem like much of an issue then, when the only objective he knew was getting to the bottom of the estate.

The scene he witnessed once he finally reached the contol room was vivd in his mind's eye. There was Dekim Barton-- spectacularly dead on the floor. So he wouldn't have to do it himself, then. But there was one more thing he could tend to with his gun. He knew this when he saw the small girl lying on the floor, a raging red flower over her child- sized uniform. Looking down with concern on either side of her were the Lady Une, and… Relena.

But his focus had been on the girl child-- one more little candle he would have to blow out, but this time it would be with kind intentions. Heero remembered that all he knew was that he pulled the trigger, preparing himself for the small recoil from his pistol that he felt might be too much for him just then. _How strange_. He didn't remember whether the familiar jolt of the machine had come, but the only thing he could think of now was what was running on his mind: not more, and never again.

Then there was the lurching in his stomach….

Yes, that was everything. But what of this new information-- what he heard the doctor and the nurse saying. Relena had been coming to see him. This stirred in him a strange sense of violation; not because of Relena's visits, but because of the feeling of absence he harbored, now knowing that he had been unconscious for over 48 hours.

He had learned more about what had happened to him before he had fallen in the pit that was once the Brussels Presidential Residence. There were burns on his torso? And cuts? Where? He could not feel them now, but-- then again-- he had been careful not to move since he woke up.

Remembering that his breathing and heartbeat were being constantly monitored, Heero was very careful not to make sudden movements. Perhaps he didn't think much of it when the doctor and nurse were in the room, but it was thanks to his innate ability to appear cool and collected even under stressful circumstances that kept the monitors from going berserk-- as would probably be the case with a man of lesser ability. So with the watchful machines in mind, Heero opened his eyes and readied himself to sit up, making sure that every movement was slow and deliberate.

As he used his arms to prop himself up, he felt a searing pain where he now knew two bandages to be on his chest and abdomen; he was also aware of the soreness he knew had heavily set throughout his body. He grimaced slightly.

He knew he had not slept so long after receiving injuries much worse than those he had received in the past. Perhaps he was just more worn than usual-- not physically, that is.

In any case, he felt no desire to stay in a hospital-- practically an android for all the needles and patches that connected him to numerous machines. If Relena came to see him again today, she would be greeted by an empty bed. Nothing would remain of him, save for the indentation left on the pillow by his head.

A small notion danced in his head that these hospital visits of Relena's-- though there may not be any more-- would not be the last times he and Relena were together.

But he did not wish to see her again just yet, mostly for the fact that he had been vulnerable in one place for a little too long. He needed to get up and move on.

Keeping in mind that at any minute someone could decide to enter his room, he started his disconnection by pulling the IV needle from its burrowing place in the crook between his left upper and lower arm. In passing he noted the familiar place for needles it had taken; it would leave a small freckle- like scar next to five others just like it.

Now that he had the ability to bend both arms, he got to work on the Oxygen tubes in his nostrils that snaked themselves across his face and behind his head, where his brown hair was squashed flat against his scalp from laying down for nearly three whole days.

He glanced up and out the window and quickly noted ample snow on the ground. At this he remembered with only mild regret that he had left his jacket in Zero. He would just have to find something suitable for his upper half lying around the room, (he had noted that beneath his blankets he was clad in some blue, hospital supplied, cotton pants.)

As he scanned the blinding white room for a shirt his thoughts instinctively went to his next course of action. Did he have one? Not yet. For starters, he would need to find a place to stay-- alone. That shouldn't be so difficult-- he had a few safe houses planted here and there that he could turn to. But even more pressing, he supposed, was the issue of his attire; he wouldn't be concerned with finding his favored jeans and tank top just yet, because he only needed something that would make him blend in outside the hospital. Once he was back on his feet… well, of this he wasn't so sure. What could he do in the world, now that he had helped put things back in their peaceful, orderly way?

Yes, it was true that he'd really put himself in this predicament, but he never thought of regretting it; it was clearly the way most of the world was ready to live. It was how Relena wanted it. In any case, he had been unselfish and knew he would just have to adjust.

Heero knew he could join the rest of humanity's young men and enroll in a school, or find some discreet place to settle in and find some kind of job. But the fact was that he was far beyond that point in life; in most ways he was much older than every other 17- year- old boy. Heero became vaguely aware of these facts as he thought with distaste of attending a school or settling down in some demure place. Everything that had happened in his life up until this moment had made it so that he could never fit well into such a conventional lifestyle. Like Wufei had said, he was a soldier. But what was there for a soldier now that there was not a single military in existence? There _were_ the Preventers. That seemed like a logical place to put himself; after all, he was a warrior that helped put a stop to all wars, so why not continue on in that vein? Besides, he would probably be allowed a gun-- even if just for prosterity-- which would surely make him feel less out of place. Yes, perhaps he would join the Preventers.

While pondering all of this he had realized that there was nothing in the room he could use as a shirt. _But there will be soon_, he thought as he heard familiar approaching footsteps outside his shut door. In preparation for the new arrival he jammed the IV needle into the mattress next to his arm, and slipped the oxygen tubes around his head and into his nostrils, then tucked himself under the covers. Just before the door opened, Heero once again shut his eyes and assumed this state of false sleep.

The footsteps drew nearer to Heero's bedside. A scratching-- as if from a bad pen on paper-- sounded right next to Heero's head, on the left side. Warm hands drew Heero's covers down just enough to allow a stethoscope to be placed on his chest. The nurse was so close to Heero now that he could feel his breath on his face.

"Just doing a little check before your vi--" Before what, Heero never knew, for he had knocked the nurse unconscious with a single, well- calculated blow to the head. The nurse now slumped over Heero's bed, displaying no signs of awareness.

The sudden increase in physical activity had caused Heero's heart monitor to jump and chirp with the now more frequent beeps. _With any luck_, Heero thought, _they'll remember that I've already got a nurse with me and won't send a fleet of attendants_.

Rather than waiting to find out, Heero leapt out of his bed, gasping slightly at the pain that made itself known throughout his body-- most of all in the places on his torso that were covered with bandages. He was not able to move far from the bed, as he was still connected by a sticky patch to a heart monitor, but did not find it necessary as he turned the nurse over onto his back and began to take off his dark blue hospital scrubs.

The task was easy enough; the nurse's limp body easily bend every way Heero needed it to in order to remove the short- sleeved top and the loose- fitting pants. Once the nurse's body was left only in its shorts and undershirt, Heero quickly removed the sticky patches from his own body and immediately connected them to that of the nurse. He was not sure whether the heart monitor could tell the difference, but he had no time to make sure of it now; he had punched out and stripped a nurse, whose absence was sure to be noticed very soon.

He was able to don the nurse's clothes quickly now that he was free from the machines' restraints-- though he did have to force himself to ignore the throbbing in his body that he already cursed. The nurse was a shade taller and slightly bulkier than Heero; the top was rather loose, while the pants dragged along the floor. He was able to make the pants look more normal by tightening the drawstring around his waist and adding the nurse's shoes to the ensemble.

Now as ready to leave as he would ever be, he took one last glance at the unfortunate nurse, sprawled ungracefully over the bed. For just a moment, he pitied the man, so he quickly moved him into a more natural position and threw the blanket over his body. _Now_ he was ready to leave.

He started toward the window and opened it-- having no trouble coaxing what was usually a stubborn lock open. As he slid the window open, a gust of cold wind assaulted his face, almost warning him that everything outside was bigger than him right now. He surveyed the environment outside the window; it was a bustling city street with many surrounding high-rise buildings. He judged his distance from the ground to be only about three stories, which did not intimidate him at all. Of course, he did not intend on jumping straight down to the ground in his regrettable condition; he had spotted a ledge under the second story window that he could jump to before his decent to the ground. _This might not be pretty_, he thought as he tried to ignore the pain on his abdomen.

He lifted his leg to the sill, gripping the side of the window frame in preparation to heave himself out. But something made him freeze. He knew he'd wasted too much time already, and was annoyed at this sudden, nagging sensation within him. It made the hairs on the back of his neck prickle with urgency, the pit of his stomach warm with familiarity. Heero didn't have to look behind him to know who had entered the room, but he did so anyway, very slowly.

Relena stood in the doorway, her hand resting on the frame. She was dressed casually in a sweater and slacks, and held a heavy coat in her other arm. Her golden hear hung loose about her, and was gently tousled every few seconds by the wind coming in on the other side of the room. She did not smirk or smile at Heero, but stared at him with relief etched on her face and a question gleaming in her eyes.

Heero briefly thought how strange a sight he must have been in his slightly oversized clothes and his leg hitched up on the window sill. He decided to put his flight aside for a moment and stepped away from the window and turned his whole body to face her. He looked her squarely in the face, neither defiance nor warmth present in his countenance. He waited for what she would do next.

Relena dropped her free hand limply to her side and let out a long sigh.

She asked him very quietly, "Are you going to run again, Heero?"


End file.
